Gingersnaps

“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” – Mother Teresa

Have you ever experienced the “Almost … but not quite”?  You almost made the team, but not quite.  You almost got into the Honor Society, but not quite.  You almost crossed the finish line first, but not quite.  You almost passed the test, but not quite.  We can all think of times we had an  “almost … but not quite” scenario.  We wanted something so badly, but we just missed the mark.

It is a frustrating, disappointing and heartbreaking place to be.

Now imagine being almost part of a family, but not quite.  Feeling unwanted.  Given a place to live out of obligation.  Sitting on the fringes of the family circle.  Nobody rejoicing in your successes.  Nobody helping bear the burden of your hurts and disappointments.  You are just the niece.  Just the cousin.  Just another mouth to feed.  Just a burden.

Ntsibeng Shete is a  21-year old Sotho girl whom I met 2 years ago (January 2017).  At that time, she was in her metric (senior) year at Concordia High School in the Knysna Township with her hopes set on attending university.  She and I worked together after school navigating through Life Science.

(Side Note: Sotho /su:tu is one of many tribes in South Africa.  The sotho people speak a language called Sesotho.  It is one of the eleven official languages of South Africa.  This is Ntsibeng’s native tongue.  She now speaks Sesotho, Isixhosa and English).

Born in 1997 in the Mtata Township on the Eastern Cape, Ntsibeng’s life began with tragedy.  She almost had a dad in her life, but not quite.  Two weeks after she was born, her father died of complications from diabetes.  She would never get to know a father’s love.

Instead, her family would be all women… Ntsibeng, mom and grandma.   A common family unit in South Africa’s Townships.   Absent dads.  Present grandmothers. 

This could and should work.  It did for six years.  Then Ntsibeng’s mom grew restless and decided it was time to make a change.  So she did.  She moved several hours away to the Western Cape and left Ntsibeng behind.  Yes, she left her 6-year old daughter behind.  Ntsibeng felt abandoned.

For the next four years, Ntsibeng lived alone with her grandma.  Although she longed for her mom to return, Ntsibeng loved her grandma dearly.  “She was my everything”, she said with a big smile on her face. 

Little did this young girl know how drastically her life was about to change in 2007.  She was 10-years old and excited that her mom decided to return from the Western Cape.  What she didn’t know was that her mom was very ill.  She had contracted HIV and TB while away.  She had also given birth to a son who Nsibeng knew nothing about.  A 4-year old little brother.

As she began to process these new life changes, the return of her mom and the introduction of a younger brother, Ntsibeng’s grandma was diagnosed with and died of breast cancer.  2007 proved to be a very emotional year for such a young girl.  A roller coaster of emotions.  Heartbreak in the loss of her grandmother.  Joy in the return of her mom and new brother.  Ntsibeng was still so young.  She believed things would be OK.  They would begin to live as a new family unit.

Or would they?  “Almost … but not quite.”

In July of 2008, only one year later, her mom got worse.  Ntsibeng, 11-years old at the time, remembers her mom telling her to go find someone to help.  She ran out of the house to find a neighbor, but when she returned, her mom had already passed away.  Ntsibeng honestly believes that her mom sent her away so that she would not watch her die.  One final act of love from a mom with whom she had spent so little time.  A relationship almost mended, but not quite.

Funerals are expensive.  Especially to those living in poverty.  To pay for these expenses, the relatives had to sell the grandmother’s house. This in turn left an 11-year old girl and 6-year old boy with no place to live.  What would happen next?  The decision was made to separate the sibliings.  Baxolele (her brother) would remain in the Eastern Cape and live with his grandmother’s sister.  Ntsibeng would be sent to the Western Cape to live with her mom’s brother and his wife.

With so much chaos, turmoil and uprooting in her life, Ntsibeng missed a lot of school.  She arrived in Knysna in 2009, and almost passed grade 4, but not quite.  She would have to repeat.

The years moved along. Life in her uncle’s home was hard.  His wife refused to accept Ntsibeng as “their” child.  They had their own children.  Ntsibeng was just the niece.   A “Cinderella” life style ensued.  Ntsibeng felt like the unwanted outsider.   Made to do all of the chores while her cousins played.  Foster care money was received, but not spent on Ntsibeng.  She still remembers having no clothes that fit.  “When I moved up to High School (grade 8), I still had to wear the primary school uniform for quite some time,” she said sadly.   It was embarrassing for her.

Finally in 2014, when entering grade 9, Ntsibeng was able to convince her mom’s sister to allow her to live with her family in the same township in Knysna.  Baxolele joined her there (from the Eastern Cape), filling the 2-bedroom concrete block home with 9 people.  Ntsibeng and Baxolele were sent to sleep outside in a wooden shack with no water or electricity.  Unfortunately, the same “Cinderella” life style began to unfold for her.  After all, she was once again, just the niece.  Her aunt and uncle had many of their own children to care for.

Ntsibeng watched her cousins participate in  extra curricular activities, but to her, the answer was always “No, we don’t have enough money.”   It was made clear from the start of her matric year, that they would only support their daughter to University.

Ntsibeng started to flounder.  What would she do now?  She wanted to continue her education,  but was not accepted into University for 2018.  Her marks were almost high enough, but not quite.  She knew she had to rewrite two of her courses in order to apply again for 2019.

Since that would be at the end of 2018, she decided to get a job to get her through the year.  She saw an ad for a job at the hospital at the information desk.  She applied, interviewed and got the job. 

Ntsibeng struggles with feeling loved by family.  Although she was fortunate that relatives allowed her to stay with them over the years, she never felt as though she was looked at as “their” daughter.  Instead, she was always an outsider.  Almost part of each family, but not quite.

This year, Ntsibeng was accepted to the University of Fort Hare in the Eastern Cape.   She almost started her college career, but not quite.  She panicked.  She had never been to see the University.  She knew she would have to look for accommodations.  She had nobody to counsel her or willing to go with her to sort things out.  She could not get herself to make the 6-1/2 hour trek there with so much uncertainty.  So, she didn’t go.  A missed opportunity.  A setback for another year.

Ntsibeng is a sweet girl.  She continues to bounce back from life’s disappointments.  This week she has applied to and is training for a server job in a restaurant.   She knows that her aunt and uncle want her out.  If she lands this job, she just may be able to rent a shack of her own.

Hopefully next year, 2020, Ntsibeng will be a University Student.  She does not need another  “almost … but not quite” year!